


Could haves, Should haves & Would haves

by ashamtly



Series: Afterwards [3]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Introspection, Post-Canon, Romantic Friendship, other characters are mainly mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 14:36:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18263333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashamtly/pseuds/ashamtly
Summary: "Come on Shiro!" Matt exclaims not without some frustration "you can't seriously have me believe you never noticed! It was so obvious! To like everyone in every galaxy!" he continues extending his arms as far as he can from his booth at the bar; as if wanting to encompass the whole Universe."It wasn't!" Shiro insists trying to laugh it off "And it isn't" he reiterates"Keith and I are not like that, we have never been like that""Really?" The eldest of the Holt siblings ask skeptically, throwing him a  sideglance over his 5th drink of the night"Really" he assures him as firmly as he's able to"It never ever crossed your mind? you never ever wondered?"(A.K.A. the one were Shiro wonders, why he never wondered)





	Could haves, Should haves & Would haves

**Author's Note:**

> So... I originally planned to upload this for Valentine's Day, but...  
> I got a new job, and I traveled, and some other stuff so...  
> Anyhow this has been on my mind for a while now, and it might not be to anyone's liking, but I had to get it out.  
> I hope at least one person enjoys it.  
> Also I apologize for any grammar mistakes, or the like since English is not my native language and I have no beta reader whatsoever.

"Come on Shiro!" Matt exclaims not without some frustration "you can't seriously have me believe you never noticed! It was so obvious! To like everyone in every galaxy!" he continues extending his arms as far as he can from his booth at the bar; as if wanting to encompass the whole Universe.

"It wasn't!" Shiro insists trying to laugh it off "And it isn't" he reiterates   
"Keith and I are not like that, we have never been like that"

"Really?" The eldest of the Holt siblings ask skeptically, throwing him a sideglance over his 5th drink of the night

"Really" he assures him as firmly as he's able to

"It never ever crossed your mind? you never ever wondered?"

 

Deep purple eyes looking at him with so much concern, disbelief, wonder and lo..., a voice reassuring him throw the haze of pain, that HE is coming, that HE will be there; the same voice reaching through his muddled thoughts reassuringly "As many times as it takes", the anguish and pain in those purple irises, the determination, the strength, the same voice over and over again, asking him to live, to never give up, to keep going, to...

 

"Never" he answers, hoping Matt is too drunk to notice the quiver in his voice. ´Cause though he's happy with his life, though he loves his husband dearly and wouldn't change the life they have managed to build for themselves, sometimes in his few lonely nights, when he wakes up from nightmares when he reflects on the past, on everything that has happened, he can't help but wonder, for the briefest of moments... what they could have... "Never" he repeats, this time more to himself, 'cause in the end, there's no point to What ifs.

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Truth is..., sometimes he and Keith feel like unfinished business, and that, that's not something new.

From the moment he met him that fateful day at his school, he couldn't help but think he should have done something else for that kid, should have said something else, but as fate would have it, it turned out that it was enough, or at least it was enough for Keith to give it a go.

After that, it became a matter of, I should have got him out of that house earlier when Keith had his physical and they discovered past trauma on his body along with undernourishment; should have paid more attention, when he discovers the other students (and some of the Garrison's staff) behavior to him, should have kept an eye on him when he finds out he ran himself ragged, should have been there when he discovers that...

Kerberos makes it even worse, 'cause now it becomes 'it should be you with me up there' 'it should be us going farther than any human being before' 'I should have given you a support system for when I'm gone', 'I should have told you that you're important to me'

In the end, he always feels like he never taught him enough, like they never spoke enough, like he never hugged him enough, like he never shared enough, like he never...

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The thing is... that for some reason, he always thought he would have more time. Even when he was sick, he thought there would be time to teach Keith to reach his potential, to teach him it's ok to relay and trust in people, to teach him how much he's worth and have him actually believe it, to teach him that... that he is, will and has always been loved.

And then, even after Kerberos, and the Arena, after clones and Astral planes, he stupidly thought they would have time... when the war was finally over.

He always thought they would have time, that there would be time for all the things left unsaid, for all the things left undone, for all...

And then, by the time he noticed... he was gone.

*  
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'Really? It never crossed your mind? You never ever wondered?'

Looking at Keith sitting on his bed, in front of him once again, after all this time; like he used to do so many years ago; makes him stop and think for the very first time about it.

He thinks about how sometimes nobody but Keith seems to get him, he thinks about the awful distance between them for a couple of years, he thinks about the horror he felt when the Lions crashed to earth, about the relief he felt when he woke up, about Keith standing there as his best man, at the sort of wistful smile on his face.

He thinks about how there's a little thrill that goes throw his body when they hug, about how sometimes he can't help but wish Keith were there with him, of how Keith hasn't gotten married yet, on how he doesn't even have a...

"Do you ever wonder, if... we could have, should have, would have...?"

The question comes out without his permission, and he isn't even able to finish it, but if Keith surprised and bewildered expression is anything to go by, as always, he seems to have been able to read his mind.

"Sometimes" Keith admits, with a softness on his eyes, that Shiro can remember always being there for him. So, for as much as he isn't sure if he wants to hear the answer, he has to ask...

"Do you..."

"You know I do" Keith cuts him gently "Always have, always will" he continues with the fondest smile Shiro can remember seeing, and that, that kind of breaks his heart, 'cause...

"Keith... I'm sorry, I..."

"Shiro" Keith interrupts him again putting a hand on his shoulder, trying to get him to look at him "I know, I know you love me, and I love you, you're my brother, remember? I told you" he reminds him with a gentle smile.

"I... I wasn't..., I was talking about..."

It's a good thing Keith has always been a straightforward guy, 'cause otherwise, Shiro is pretty sure this conversation wouldn't have gone anywhere

"I know what you were talking about, and I also know it's probably Matt's fault we're having this awkward conversation" He continues while rolling his eyes and crossing his arms; as if Shiro hasn't been making a fool of himself for a while now "so I'll tell you the same thing I told him when we last talked, no, the reason why I haven't settled down and gotten married like the rest of you guys expecting Pidge, is not 'cause I'm secretly in love with you or pinning" he continues as if he has been repeating this for a while now "I just don't... I haven't... I..., it's not something I have thought about, at least not yet and honestly I can't tell if it will ever be, I like my life as it is Shiro, I'm happy" he assures him, and looking at him, at his smile, he can not help but believe him. But still... 

He remembers a cloning facility and someone willing to fall with him, he remembers those eyes and...

"It honestly hasn't crossed my mind. I mean for a while there I wasn't even sure I was going to survive the war"

"Keith!" he interrupts 'cause that...

"I know, I know" he answers quickly, as a chided child, just like he did back in the Garrison "The point is... I have never been able to imagine it, you know? Living together with someone, being with someone, except..."

"Except?" Shiro asks, heart in his throat

"I never really saw myself with anyone Shiro" Keith tries again, this time looking anywhere but at him " I could never really picture it, but... I guess there was a time when I felt like... maybe it could have... that there was a part of me that felt like..., that believe that if there was ever going to be a person for me like that..., that person would have been you..." Keith finally admits looking to the side of the room, his face blushing.

And Shiro, Shiro feels like he can't breathe, 'cause that's... that's...

"Keith..."

"But it's ok now" he is quick to reassure him, with a smile "I was so young and lonely back then... that... I mean... I felt like I didn't have anything, and I think I was afraid of picturing myself having the things I thought I could never have so... I didn't even try, and now, now I pretty much have everything I thought I never would" Keith tells him with some kind of childlike delight "I found my mom, and met people that..., that made me realize you were right Shiro, there were more people out there for me, I matter more than I realized, I... I finally found people to call friends, a family of my own, and I couldn't have gotten any of that if it weren't for you" 

"Keith..." he tries, 'cause that, that's not true, that was never true

"No, let me finish" Keith interrupts him looking straight into his eyes, with that piercing gaze, so breathtaking, so... Keith "for the longest of times you were pretty much everything I had Shiro, so... like it or not, I basically owe you everything, and I know you think we're more than even, but Shiro... that will never be the case 'cause you are... the most important person in my life" he finally confesses, with a soft blush dusting his cheeks, meeting his gaze somehow shyly, making him look even more...

"You're also the most important person in mine" It scapes his lips without his consent, pretty much like breathing. 'Cause some people might think that shouldn't be the case. Maybe some people would think that the most important person in his life should be his husband Curtis, his death fiance Adam or even his lovely grandfather but..., when he thinks about his life, about everything he has gone through, and the one person that has always been there for him, about the person that also changed his life, that made him realize it was ok to relay in others, that he didn't have to be strong all the time, perfect, the one that...

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So, yes. Sometimes it might feel like he and Keith are something unfinished, something hanging; full of could haves, should haves and would haves, but, in the end, none of that matters.

'Cause it has never been like that between them, and it will probably never be like that between them.

'Cause Keith loves him, and he loves him more than anyone else, 'cause they are more than friends, more than brothers, more than lovers, they... just simply are.

And when you think about that, how could there possibly be any space for more than that?


End file.
